It’s hard to say without equivocation what thoughts can go through ones mind when a lot has happened to them.
I know what everyone says these days, including myself.
“It all depends”
And i would agree with that phrase
Like the rapper Eminem, the singer Beyonce to say the Formula One driver of Fernando Alonso, alot of things can go through ones mind for the sake of going through their mind. Their past, their future, their goals, their regrets. Anything and everything.
Someone quoted somebody saying this;
“The mind is like a flowing river, you can never be bored. You’re mind is always working with something being thought of or being looked upon in the minds eye. Never tell me you’re bored because it isn’t true in the slightest”
Or something like that to the effect.
Let me put it simply…there alot on my mind.
I’m Bernard Wong, or my Alias on the internet is Janus32. No, not the anus of every sentient being, but Janus being the Roman God.
I’m 25 years old, and quite frankly, out of all the thoughts in my mind, there is one thing that goes through my mind my fingers hit the keys of this rather interesting computer which I have not fully put to good use.
And that thought is?
I am running out of time.
Now I do not say this as if I am running out of time due to a debilitating disease or something. I don’t have cancer, I do not have AIDS or something that will inevitably kill be quite soon. But I feel that being 25 years on this earth, this earth that some find beautiful and some that deem it as a cruel world, including myself, I feel now that I am and have been suffering from an existential crisis.
I kind of feel as if I do not know what I want to do with my life. At the beginning of 2013, I had 3 specific goals in mind to accomplish. These goals are
1. Have a full time job that I don’t have a problem with
2. Have a girlfriend
3. Earn money doing something that I love
Now let me say this, at this point in time, the one on that list that is semi true and completed is no.1. I currently have a full time job, but the semi true part of is, I do not like that job. It’s a way of putting food in my stomach and feeding my hobbies. That much can be said. But i do not sense an fulfillment out of that. I don’t know where I would go with it if I want to be a manager or something. Though I have set some small goals, either way, the amount of time I have been at that place will be 2 years when it hits November 16th, 2013. Which is not far from the time of this…rambling so to speak?
This year, I can say personally and openly I do not feel I have completed my goals. That much is plainly obvious. I have set smaller goals that I want to do in my life to be, well, to have the life that I want. Now in this day and age, it’s hard not to make excuses when you make goals. But its also hard when there is so many things to prioritize, that sometimes I can’t just stop and lay in the grass and lose my mind in the day or night sky. What i am trying to say simply is;
My consistency is completely off track.
I have no consistency for the hard things.
Sure I can feed my hobbies of the Video Games, the Movies, the Music, all that kinda stuff.
But the small goals I want to achieve is just wanting to be fitter, feel better about myself, look great and just be overall happy.
And I cannot get that right when I put it into practice. This is where the consistency is lacking.
I may have the motivation in my head, but executing it is just so much more harder I feel.
Then again, as I mentioned a minute or two before, people say that can be very easy to accomplish.
And it can, I have tried recently and managed to stay clean for a month before I relapsed and began putting on weight again, I lost some Kilo’s, but it was slow going.
Ultimately, I failed in that.
And in so much more other endeavors this year.
And those endeavors, of what I plan to do say with playing games, earning money from youtube and generally having fun like Youtubers Gassy Mexican, Lolrenaynay, Seananners and EatMyDiction1. I want that in my life.
As in, I want to do the things they do for fun.
I have the job, I want to complete my other 2 goals soon…because…
I feel like I am running out of time to really enjoy life.
They actually inspire me, they inspire fun, wellbeing and give me a slither of hope that maybe I can be who I want to be and just…do what I love to do most.
Which is play video games.
I guess there are alot of excuses that plague me at this moment. Alot of excuses that stop me from doing things that I really want to do. I dunno.
It’s hard to pinpont it, theres alot going on in my mind right now.
And I do not or feel like addressing all the issues.
It’s just how I feel.
Right now, I go through life at the moment with work, eating, playing games, watching anime and TV series. Hell, I simply look to the right of my computer and see dvds/blu ray’s stacked up, backdated. Waiting for me to put in the Playstation 3/Computer and then throw them in my collection. I have invariably shut myself off from the world. My world is the digital world that I have clung to for 4 years now, without hesitation.
And that scares me.
It scares me I will be going through this very same motions possibly to continue for another 6 years makign it a 10 year streak? Yeah, it scares me. Now to you who has taken the time to read this, you may be screaming
“Well get off your ass and do something about it!”
“Why are you here typing when you should just drop everything and cowboy-the-fuck-up and get on with life?”
Well, to be brutally honest. I’d reply with
“It all depends”
Yeah, that definitely sounds like a cop out, but these things have a process. Or so I would like to think. But sometimes there has to be a push, a force of acknowledgement to drop your shit and get on with it.
Which I hope to play to do say…in 24 hours. I would hope to finish work, and get back into the gymn 3-4 times a week and get my goal of dropping weight, bringing back my self esteem and generally being happy. May it be in mind, body, spirit, sexually. I don’t know. I just know I have to do something.
Because the simple idea always looms in the back of my mind when I cling to these…goals.
If I don’t do something…
Then living in this world?
Is completely and utterly pointless.