Previously on my first/last time blog, I went through ramblings of how confused I was with the state of my life. As the time has progressed since then, I would say that I am still within that standstill. You could say the progress hasn’t changed as obvious as that is being read. The past week, December 2nd until December 8th I had a week off work. Least to say that it was a much needed break. And this was a time that i enjoyed much to teh dismay of what i was supposed to be doing, in terms of planning.
-Thinking of moving again
-Taking out a huge loan for a house for the future
-Exercise and fitness
-Thinking about the goals for what i want to do with youtube
In essence, none of these were achieved at all. I didnt go out to do them, though albeit I tried, nothing came about. I still struggle to find someone to work for. I think many things though what could help but who am I kidding? You know the saying “actions speak louder than words” and in my case, actions speak a bigger load than words thought up in my head. I honestly don’t know what I am doing. I go through the stages of the day of gaming, eating, watching tv series, watching youtube and keep this cycle going. And alot of it reminds me of my last ramblings here on WordPress. It’s this lack of effort and cycle I just feel that I don’t want to help myself, again I can think about it and theorize it within my head but the actions dont follow. Just either in my dreams or consider them as delusions of grandeur. I don’t know. This effort doesn’t want to be spent on people, friends, on seeing them because I feel I can read their every move or something. A friend of mine says this is normal for depression and just hating the world. But of course to re-align myself from that I have to love myself first and then I can love others. It’s like how I like to call the “Jesus Complex”. It’s simple why it’s called that way. Like the non-believers, like those that doubted the son of man, they cursed him by saying “He could help others, but yet cannot help himself” as he did not fight or show any fightback as he was led to the mountain of Golgotha only to be crucified with 2 bandits, through 1 was repenting for his sins, the other, not so. I just used to do this when I was younger, I can help other people, but I can’t feel as if help myself unless through something that is an extreme situation that will force me to confront the issue head on. I do not know.
I really feel like a mess
I felt I haven’t made any progression. My will, it feels I don’t have it. Currently as I write this, its about 2:18AM 10th December, 2013. I feel as if I don’t want to sleep, I feel as if I am invincible to take on work tomorrow. But i know I will falter, and nap during my breaks. I dunno, its the cycle. I talk alot as part of my job but I feel I don’t want to talk to alot of people, its just so much effort. But as mentioned, this has effected my social.
Whatever man, I dunno.
Though this being my second time writing this, and I recount what I feel from the words in my head to this forum, I feel worse.
I feel, that I am utterly ridiculous